I am currently in my feelings a.k.a. very emotional so I doubt this post is even coherent but I need to release….
I’m supposed to be overwhelmed with joy at the news of one of my best friends getting engaged, right? So what’s my malfunction? Because I’m crying tears but they’re not of happiness. I’m mourning the friendship I’m about to lose and trying to plan out how and when I’ll have to fake my excitement over the next year until I can casually end the friendship. I can’t get hurt by another friendship ending. I just can’t. So I’m going to be in control this time. I’m going to have a plan this time. But right now my therapist is unavailable due to the holidays and I’m struggling to maintain my mental well-being during this rough transition.
When I think of reaching out to other friends to process I grow weary because I don’t want to be perceived as a bitter forever single friend. I’m not knocking anyone’s relationship, in fact I just told my best friend’s soon-to-be fiancé that they’ll never hear an ill word from me regarding their union. All I want is a safe place to discuss my feelings so….here I am. When I lost my best friend, who truly was my person, it was life-changing. I honestly wish it had been a first boyfriend I lost or a first love because I feel like everyone else would be able to understand the backlash from that. But alas, it was just a platonic friendship that I had to suffer ending and that has left me feeling very misunderstood.
In therapy I got to a place of peace over the dissolution of that friendship. And on my own I was able to gain closure by finally having a thorough conversation with her that actually made it seem like things were on the mend. I even went to her baby shower about a month after we spoke for the first time in years. I thought I was finally getting my soul-sister back and that the hole in my heart would finally be filled because the one person who truly understood me was coming back. Boy was I wrong. But at least I was in weekly therapy at the time and when she didn’t follow up with me like she said she would, with my therapist’s help, I made the decision to officially close that book.
Well don’t you know not a week later she sent me a message. I had worked so hard to gain peace and I was finally at peace about not having her in my life so after speaking with a friend that knows all the ends and outs of that toxic friendship I decided not to respond to her delayed message and finally move on with my life. And I’ve been fine with that decision until now. Now that I’m faced with losing another “best friend” my mind fills with thoughts of needing to replace that friendship as I’m being replaced by a fiancé. But where do I start?
I have worked to overcome my compassion fatigue and I’ve learned how to “care but not carry” the problems of others and I’ve worked on letting people into my heart again but still I just don’t feel close to anyone. In college the first time around it seemed like I couldn’t go a good week without making a lifelong friend and/or a genuine connection with someone. Now it seems that all of the new friends I’ve made here exist only as surface-level friendships. Seemingly gone are the days of talking to someone far past midnight and getting to really know what makes them who they are. I feel so emotionally disconnected from every new person I meet.
Usually I find clarity in writing but that’s just not so today. I have made it this far into the cold months without an episode of major depression and I’m fighting desperately not to slip into one now. I think I’ll reach out to a friend tomorrow because the fear of being vulnerable and wrongfully judged don’t outweigh my fear of being depressed yet again. But I know ultimately I need a therapy session ASAP.