Basically One Long Run-On Sentence

I am currently in my feelings a.k.a. very emotional so I doubt this post is even coherent but I need to release….

I’m supposed to be overwhelmed with joy at the news of one of my best friends getting engaged, right?  So what’s my malfunction?  Because I’m crying tears but they’re not of happiness.  I’m mourning the friendship I’m about to lose and trying to plan out how and when I’ll have to fake my excitement over the next year until I can casually end the friendship.  I can’t get hurt by another friendship ending.  I just can’t.  So I’m going to be in control this time.  I’m going to have a plan this time.  But right now my therapist is unavailable due to the holidays and I’m struggling to maintain my mental well-being during this rough transition.

When I think of reaching out to other friends to process I grow weary because I don’t want to be perceived as a bitter forever single friend.  I’m not knocking anyone’s relationship, in fact I just told my best friend’s soon-to-be fiancé that they’ll never hear an ill word from me regarding their union.  All I want is a safe place to discuss my feelings so….here I am.  When I lost my best friend, who truly was my person, it was life-changing.  I honestly wish it had been a first boyfriend I lost or a first love because I feel like everyone else would be able to understand the backlash from that.  But alas, it was just a platonic friendship that I had to suffer ending and that has left me feeling very misunderstood.

In therapy I got to a place of peace over the dissolution of that friendship.  And on my own I was able to gain closure by finally having a thorough conversation with her that actually made it seem like things were on the mend.  I even went to her baby shower about a month after we spoke for the first time in years.  I thought I was finally getting my soul-sister back and that the hole in my heart would finally be filled because the one person who truly understood me was coming back.  Boy was I wrong.  But at least I was in weekly therapy at the time and when she didn’t follow up with me like she said she would, with my therapist’s help, I made the decision to officially close that book.

Well don’t you know not a week later she sent me a message.  I had worked so hard to gain peace and I was finally at peace about not having her in my life so after speaking with a friend that knows all the ends and outs of that toxic friendship I decided not to respond to her delayed message and finally move on with my life.  And I’ve been fine with that decision until now.  Now that I’m faced with losing another “best friend” my  mind fills with thoughts of needing to replace that friendship as I’m being replaced by a fiancé.  But where do I start?

I have worked to overcome my compassion fatigue and I’ve learned how to “care but not carry” the problems of others and I’ve worked on letting people into my heart again but still I just don’t feel close to anyone.  In college the first time around it seemed like I couldn’t go a good week without making a lifelong friend and/or a genuine connection with someone.  Now it seems that all of the new friends I’ve made here exist only as surface-level friendships.  Seemingly gone are the days of talking to someone far past midnight and getting to really know what makes them who they are.  I feel so emotionally disconnected from every new person I meet.

Usually I find clarity in writing but that’s just not so today.  I have made it this far into the cold months without an episode of major depression and I’m fighting desperately not to slip into one now.  I think I’ll reach out to a friend tomorrow because the fear of being vulnerable and wrongfully judged don’t outweigh my fear of being depressed yet again.  But I know ultimately I need a therapy session ASAP.

Advertisements

Life Isn’t Always Fun and That’s Okay

I’ve come to realize that not every minute of every day can be full of happiness and excitement.  There are monotonous moments in life and that’s okay.  I think living in a day where we post and see so much happiness on social media has finally started to affect me.  I had begun to think that if every minute wasn’t exciting and fun then I needed to make some big change in my life.  Now I see that life simply can’t always be carefree and fun.  While it is important to enjoy life and live each day to the fullest I can’t dismiss the more challenging and boring moments of life as unacceptable.

I just entered a time of reflection and realized that I am so blessed that I have reached a point in my life where I am truly happy.  I wrongfully thought that when I achieved this level of happiness that I would never again experience boredom or sadness or any other unpleasant emotion again.  I don’t know why I had this unrealistic expectation but I did.  Now that I’ve woken up and realized that life isn’t all about having fun, I’ve learned how to allow myself to feel all my emotions without feeling like a failure.

I tend to procrastinate any assignment that I do not find enjoyable or when I would rather spend my time doing something fun.  I realize now that sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t like in order to see our dreams come true.  I wouldn’t want to procrastinate the fruition of my dreams, so why do I procrastinate the necessary steps to make my dreams come true?

Every moment may not be “Instagram-worthy” but that’s okay!  I still love the life that I get to live and I wouldn’t want to change a single thing about it, even the dull and difficult moments.

Do Soulmates Replace Best Friends?

I never questioned where I stood in my best friend’s life until today.  A simple post helped to make me aware that I am not the most important person in her life – and honestly that stung.  I realize that sounds like a egotistic way of thinking but I remember a time when my best friend was the first person I wanted to tell anything and vice versa.  Now I feel like an afterthought, some would say a third wheel, like the annoying friend you include because you feel obligated.  I guess the weird sense of hurt I feel is due to my constant need to be needed.  I’ve felt that none of my friends need me like they used to and today just kind of confirmed it for me.

Right now I have no interest in a romantic relationship.  And I’m not jealous of my friends that are in them.  But today made me wonder if I’m going to gradually lose all my friends to their relationships.  Is that just the way life goes?  I’ve always heard people say that their spouse is their best friend but I never really thought much about it until now.  So if your spouse is your best friend then where does that leave all those you called best friend before them?  Is it time to accept that what I define as a best friend is no longer acceptable?

Maybe this shows a lack of maturity on my part.  Perhaps best friends are just meant to be place holders until you find your soulmate and I’m simply being replaced.  No one stops to tell me the details of their day anymore.  I’m no longer the assumed plus one, as I was in college.  I’m not the one she shares new dreams and aspirations with.  And gone are the days we spent all day hanging out and had deep conversations that continued long after midnight.  It could simply be that I moved to a new place and haven’t really made new friends yet but I’m really starting to feel like all of my friendships have faded.  And I can’t stand the  thought that this lingering loneliness will continue until I find my soulmate…

Taking The Leap

My healing starts today.  Recently my anxiety has been kicking my butt.  At one point this week I had to walk away from working.  Another morning, I ignored my responsibilities and just didn’t get out of bed.  I’ve been missing deadlines, crying uncontrollably, and suffering in silence – but no more.  I made the decision to say something before it was too late.  I’ve seen first hand how anxiety and depression can consume a person before they take the leap to say something to someone.  I got some good advice – maybe I’ll revamp my methods of self-care and maybe I’ll talk with a professional.  The point is I did something!  I took the leap and battled the anxiety of being vulnerable and telling someone what I have been struggling with.  I wan’t met with judgement but I also wasn’t met with a quick fix and that’s okay.

When my anxiety is running rampant in my mind I feel like no one understands but I now know that I’m not alone.  There’s at least one person in my life that really understands what I’m going through and I would’ve never learned that if I hadn’t allowed myself to be open with them.  I’m pretty sure no one reads these because my posts are just for release but just in case – if anxiety and depression are trying to keep you down, know that you’re not alone.  What you’re experiencing is more common than society makes us think.  Having mental health issues does not make me weak, although I have to remind myself of this every time my anxiety attacks me.  Needing to talk about what I’m going through doesn’t equate to failure.  And I know that as long as I keep fighting some day I will gain control over the management of my mind.

Reflection Caused By Death

Why does it take death to make us appreciative of what we have? Why don’t we take the time to reflect on our lives normally? Yesterday I found out that a girl my age died. Unfortunately I can’t describe her as a friend because I never had the pleasure of meeting her but she touched the lives of so many that I do know. Even though I didn’t know her personally, hearing of her sudden death made me very emotional. I struggled because I was faced with the idea that social media makes us feel like we remain connected with old friends but in reality we’ve lost our once close connection.

People that were my closest friends years ago were clearly filled with grief and I struggled to decide if it was okay for me to offer them consolation. I realized that it is very selfish for me to focus on how awkward I may feel and decided to send a casual message of comfort to some one who was once my best friend. He clearly appreciated the gesture and for a moment it was like the years of disconnect didn’t matter. I have come to think that somehow I am the only one who struggles with lost friendships. It seems like all of the friends I’ve lost, either from a falling out or just simply due to distance and time, just kept going on with their lives without our friendship. I on the other hand truly miss them and I have the good memories in constant replay in my mind. I don’t like that it’s almost impossible to keep up with friends no matter how hard you try. I hate that you naturally grow apart from some friends. And most of all I hate that social media gives us a false feeling of connection to friends who have truthfully become strangers.

Maybe it’s the rainy weather or the beginning of fall but I really feel like I’ve lost the best friends I could ask for and they cannot be replaced. Now no one pushes me to tell them how I’m really feeling. No one cares enough to just check in. I feel like no one needs me any more. I used to have friends that couldn’t go a day without talking to me and now few conversations occur with my friends unless I start them.

Moving Out & Freaking Out

Well freaking out on the inside…to the rest of the world I’m cool as a cucumber.  I just can’t believe I’m finally moving out!  I’m both freakishly excited and overwhelmed with anxiety.  I feel like I’m finally moving forward – I’ll no longer be underemployed, I’m going back to school, and I’ll have a place of my own.  On the other hand – I’ll be living alone in a city where I don’t know any one, I’m not in the nursing program yet just admitted to a university, I haven’t found a place to live yet (that’s the big one), and I forgot to figure out how I’m paying for this second degree.

For the most part my joy outweighs my anxiety but during my anxiety attacks it’s hard to remember my joy.  I never meant to move back home.  I was the one who said that NO MATTER WHAT I wasn’t moving back in with my parents.  I had plans – I got a job at an overnight camp the summer after college and I was just sooo sure that I would find a job during the summer.  I should have seen how unrealistic that goal was when “the perfect job for me” at my alma mater didn’t work out, but I didn’t.  And as the months rolled on and I remained unemployed I fell into a depression.

When the new year (2015) came I decided that I couldn’t just wallow in my depression and I knew that the best way to pull myself out of it would be earning my own money again.  So I called up an old co-worker and got a retail job.  I was underemployed but I found myself able to smile more with my part-time gig.  Then a few months later I found full-time work as a secretary at a school.  Children make my heart smile and although it’s not the job that I “should” have with my biology degree it makes me happy so I’m finishing up my second school year working at the school.

But now after 2 years of always having the comfort of home to fall back on as I struggled, I’m officially stepping out of the nest.  Technically my new city is closer to my hometown than my college town was, but I’m taking a much larger step into independence.  I’m trying to focus on the good but all of the unfinished details are freaking me out!

 

Food Addiction

My food addiction is slowly taking over my life.  I’m not hungry, I’m bored. I’m not hungry, I’m bored. – This is what I have to keep telling myself when I feel like reaching for yet another unnecessary snack.  I don’t know why I can’t seem to overcome my addiction.  I’m just glad I finally got to the place that I can recognize my problem.  I binge all the time…especially late at night.  I eat everything in sight…for no reason.  Last night I got busy and didn’t have time for dinner until around 9 – I felt truly hungry in the first time in I don’t know how long.  That’s sad.  I’ve stopped eating for hunger…I eat like it’s my hobby.

I never really saw it as a problem until recently.  I’m obese but my body type and my interest in fashion help me cover it up.  I don’t binge in public so my loved ones don’t really see any issue with what I eat.  I’ve tried to diet time and time again but I fail each time to make dieting a new lifestyle.  I can do a 21 day diet because I know it will end but the thought of truly changing my lifestyle just overwhelms me.

I’m going to try again next week.  I’m going grocery shopping after payday so I can’t use money as an excuse not to eat healthy but I’m sure I’ll find some other reason….