Realest Post I Ever Wrote

Last night I contemplated suicide for hours. I felt so trapped. I was afraid to move. I was afraid that if I got off the couch I’d act on my thoughts. It was like I didn’t want to do it but it was my only option. I’ve never understood everyone who I’ve judged because of their suicidal ideation more than I did last night. I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I didn’t want to be talked out of it or dragged to a mental hospital. I thought well maybe if I can just push past everything I’m thinking and reach out to a friend everything will be okay. It was like I was trying to hide and escape from a killer that was in my own head. I longed for someone to just break in and kill me. Then there would be no moral guilt or eternal consequence. But alas I live in a safe neighborhood…so I just remained paralyzed on the couch afraid of what I might do.

I thought of reaching out again, maybe I could just text a friend to pray like they had never prayed for me before, no questions asked. I liked that plan for a moment and then thought, but which friend would I contact? If I asked one friend, then she would see through my written words and oblige, but never trust me to be alone with her child. If I asked another friend, she’s new to her faith and I don’t want to put too much pressure on her and cause her to face any insecurity that she may deal with in her spiritual infancy. And lastly, if I asked my other best friend it would terrify her. She would have the police at my door before I could decline her first follow up call. I didn’t want to go to a mental hospital. But is that where I needed to be? Why was I so quick to force another friend to go when she was suicidal but for me that was an unreasonable option?

Then I thought, maybe that’s the friend I should reach out to. I fought so hard to rekindle our friendship after never being able to completely be at peace without her in my life. I began to cry even harder as I thought of how poorly I had treated her because I didn’t really understand what she was going through until now. (SN – Throughout this entire ordeal I’m lying on the couch, ugly crying, sort of inadequately breathing, while in pitch black darkness and silence following a movie that I watched as approximately my 6th attempt to pull myself out of the depressive episode that was plaguing me all day) So at this point I had decided that reaching out to that particular friend was what I wanted to do. In the past there had been times as I was struggling with my mental health that I only wanted to talk to her but I couldn’t and now I could so I decided that I should. I stood up (for what felt like the first time in days) and picked up my phone which had been on do not disturb for the majority of the night. I glanced through my notifications and saw a text from one of the friends I didn’t want to trouble because of her budding faith and decided to open it because it was a video which she rarely sends. To my surprise it was a video from her visit with my niece that I had asked her for a few days prior. I truly think seeing that precious face was the key to me starting to emerge from the very dark place I was in. Seeing my niece calmed me to the place that although my dark thoughts did not subside I found myself scrolling through my notifications and ending up on Twitter as if there wasn’t a war going on inside my head. I ended up reading a tweet and retweeting it with my commonly used #KeepTalkingMH. 

I decided to click on the hashtag which eventually lead me to YouTube where I began watching videos from people who were dealing with their bipolar diagnosis and honestly watching hours of those videos (I was up until 3 AM) is what ultimately got me off the couch and got me to the place that I’m alive and able to write this today. Seeing these people (one of which I really related to) helped me to not feel so alone and so crazy. I think that’s part of the reason I’m writing this post because I’ve experienced how important it is to share your story in part because of how it might help someone else. One video in particular impacted me the most. It was called something like “Reasons not to kill yourself” and I thought hey why not, if the shoe fits ya know? I think that video was the words from a friend that I needed to hear. It was filled with all of these things that I believe but in that dark moment had forgotten.

I want to end this post by saying – To anyone who’s struggling with mental health, please know that you’re not alone. Having to fight your own mind is the most difficult thing to do and it’s exhausting but don’t give up. Every moment that you’re alive has a purpose. Your presence on this earth matters. People do care. There is someone out there that needs you to be alive. And in the midst of you being deep in despair you may feel like that’s not true (I did, trust me I get it) but keep fighting against those dark thoughts. You are so loved! I love you and you are loved unconditionally by our Heavenly Father who beautifully and wonderfully made us. Even though sometimes our minds tell us we’re worthless and hopeless – we’re not. And to be transparent- Did what probably triggered me last night get resolved? No. Do I struggle  to believe the inspirational words I just said some days? Absolutely! But deep in my heart I do believe that every breath I take has a purpose. Maybe I haven’t yet met someone who’s life will be monumentally changed because of me. Maybe I couldn’t bring myself to end it all last night because someone who’s already in my life would be forever changed by my absence. Whatever the reason I’m glad I’m still here. I want to push past my discomfort and try to share my story to help others. I’m going to keep fighting. 

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Healing….I Hope

So last night I made an interesting decision.  I came across some old video diaries of mine and it sent me into a time of reflection.  I realized that the same things I was trying to work through 5 years ago by making the videos are the same things I’m currently working through in therapy.  I realized that no matter how many techniques I learn and how many exercises I complete to confront my trauma of the past I still find myself stuck on one main issue – ending my friendship with my best friend of 7 years who was truly more like my sister.  In the fall of 2016 I reached out to her after 3 years without any form of communication and she took her sweet time to respond.  But when she did in late January of 2017 we were able to really talk through some things and we even agreed to try out friendship again.  She invited me to her baby shower and when I went all I felt was love from her and her family.  But then as we had predicted we kind of put catching up on hiatus as she embarked upon the journey of being a first-time mom.

Following the baby shower our communication was pretty good.  It wasn’t nearly as constant as it once was but it was reasonable and then kind of randomly in May we stopped talking.  Last May I was in regularly scheduled therapy and when the second hiatus of communication lasted until August I kind of felt like it was a sign that my old friend and I would be cordial but never go back to where we once were.  Well, as soon as I made that decision in therapy she messaged me.  I was so at peace with my decision that I really didn’t know what to do.  I was battling with so much already and I just didn’t know if I had it in me to have her back in my life if she still had toxic tendencies.  I reached out to other friends that knew how my friendship had been toxic in the past and they know how I struggle with mental health.  Just as I suspected my friends were against me rekindling any form of friendship with her (y’all our friendship was REALLY toxic) and they told me that the lull in communication demonstrated how I was once again prioritizing her more than she thought of me.

Back in August I didn’t really trust myself to make any decisions on my own so I took heed to all of the advice I was given.  And I just simply never responded to the message.  Last night after watching those old videos I missed my friend so much and I decided that no matter what anyone thought I want her back in my life.  I feel like I’m in a better place now in regards to my mental health and it’s almost summer so I’ll have a break from school and maybe we can hang out like we used to.  It would mean the world to me to have my best friend back in my life and I’m happy to say that I think that really might be happening.  I had so much anger in me when our friendship ended and I thought I could never forgive her.  I then spiraled into a state of depression and until lately I really didn’t see any hope of ever completely healing from the whole situation.  Now I’m hopeful that healing is possible.

Picking Up The Pieces

How do you fix a mess you’ve created?  I needed time to myself (or I thought I did) and so I pushed everyone away.  I thought that it was for the best.  I thought that if I was growing apart from one person then it must be time to let go of all my friends.  Why do I suck at friendship?  Well even if I am growing apart from one friend the others had no clue why I socially fell off the face of the earth and they were concerned.  I didn’t think anyone would notice.  And I figured their lives would just go on without skipping a beat.  But they noticed and apparently they noticed shortly after I went into seclusion.  I thought completely blocking numbers and deleting social apps was the answer but I realize now that it was a bad decision.  Not only was it an unhealthy decision but it also made it so that people couldn’t reach me if they needed help with something or in an emergent situation.

I lashed out.  I was freaked out by the thought of getting hurt again.  And being in such an isolated place I really thought no one noticed and that hurt and so I started growing accustomed to life without my friends.  I figured in the long run they’d be better without a dramatic friend that is currently on an emotional roller coaster.  I figured I was sparing them from worrying about my well-being and any hurt they might’ve experienced when I failed them.  But it looks like I still managed to cause hurt and worry.  I don’t know if I should try to fix things or let the friendships end in this messy state.

I completely forgot that although I feel like my friendships are ending maybe other people don’t (even though that’s hard to believe).  My therapist is the one who called to my attention how unhealthy my self-isolating behavior is and she wanted me to reflect on my decision.  I honestly wasn’t going to reconsider my actions but after I answered a random number that kept calling me I was forced to reflect on the mess I’ve made.  The call was coming from one of my friends who figured out her number was blocked. I didn’t have time to think of a lie, I didn’t have time to fake a good mood, I was just speechless.  And maybe my friend didn’t really notice.  I did try to get off the phone as quickly as possible and when I called her back I worked hard at redirecting the conversation so I didn’t have to keep lying about how I’m doing when asked.

I guess this just shows that I shouldn’t have tried to avoid talking about my struggles because that’s exactly what I’ll have to do if I want to save any of my friendships with those who were worried about me.  I feel like I’m always the friend creating drama or apologizing after lashing out at someone or reaching out for help.  I didn’t want to be a burden and I didn’t want to be needy.  But I also don’t want to hurt people.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m tired of lying about how I feel.  And I am getting help, I just need time for things to get better and then (like I planned) I’ll reemerge socially.

I guess what I failed to realize is that although the world did keep spinning (like I knew it would without me present), people did notice that I wasn’t really present.

Basically One Long Run-On Sentence

I am currently in my feelings a.k.a. very emotional so I doubt this post is even coherent but I need to release….

I’m supposed to be overwhelmed with joy at the news of one of my best friends getting engaged, right?  So what’s my malfunction?  Because I’m crying tears but they’re not of happiness.  I’m mourning the friendship I’m about to lose and trying to plan out how and when I’ll have to fake my excitement over the next year until I can casually end the friendship.  I can’t get hurt by another friendship ending.  I just can’t.  So I’m going to be in control this time.  I’m going to have a plan this time.  But right now my therapist is unavailable due to the holidays and I’m struggling to maintain my mental well-being during this rough transition.

When I think of reaching out to other friends to process I grow weary because I don’t want to be perceived as a bitter forever single friend.  I’m not knocking anyone’s relationship, in fact I just told my best friend’s soon-to-be fiancé that they’ll never hear an ill word from me regarding their union.  All I want is a safe place to discuss my feelings so….here I am.  When I lost my best friend, who truly was my person, it was life-changing.  I honestly wish it had been a first boyfriend I lost or a first love because I feel like everyone else would be able to understand the backlash from that.  But alas, it was just a platonic friendship that I had to suffer ending and that has left me feeling very misunderstood.

In therapy I got to a place of peace over the dissolution of that friendship.  And on my own I was able to gain closure by finally having a thorough conversation with her that actually made it seem like things were on the mend.  I even went to her baby shower about a month after we spoke for the first time in years.  I thought I was finally getting my soul-sister back and that the hole in my heart would finally be filled because the one person who truly understood me was coming back.  Boy was I wrong.  But at least I was in weekly therapy at the time and when she didn’t follow up with me like she said she would, with my therapist’s help, I made the decision to officially close that book.

Well don’t you know not a week later she sent me a message.  I had worked so hard to gain peace and I was finally at peace about not having her in my life so after speaking with a friend that knows all the ends and outs of that toxic friendship I decided not to respond to her delayed message and finally move on with my life.  And I’ve been fine with that decision until now.  Now that I’m faced with losing another “best friend” my  mind fills with thoughts of needing to replace that friendship as I’m being replaced by a fiancé.  But where do I start?

I have worked to overcome my compassion fatigue and I’ve learned how to “care but not carry” the problems of others and I’ve worked on letting people into my heart again but still I just don’t feel close to anyone.  In college the first time around it seemed like I couldn’t go a good week without making a lifelong friend and/or a genuine connection with someone.  Now it seems that all of the new friends I’ve made here exist only as surface-level friendships.  Seemingly gone are the days of talking to someone far past midnight and getting to really know what makes them who they are.  I feel so emotionally disconnected from every new person I meet.

Usually I find clarity in writing but that’s just not so today.  I have made it this far into the cold months without an episode of major depression and I’m fighting desperately not to slip into one now.  I think I’ll reach out to a friend tomorrow because the fear of being vulnerable and wrongfully judged don’t outweigh my fear of being depressed yet again.  But I know ultimately I need a therapy session ASAP.

Life Isn’t Always Fun and That’s Okay

I’ve come to realize that not every minute of every day can be full of happiness and excitement.  There are monotonous moments in life and that’s okay.  I think living in a day where we post and see so much happiness on social media has finally started to affect me.  I had begun to think that if every minute wasn’t exciting and fun then I needed to make some big change in my life.  Now I see that life simply can’t always be carefree and fun.  While it is important to enjoy life and live each day to the fullest I can’t dismiss the more challenging and boring moments of life as unacceptable.

I just entered a time of reflection and realized that I am so blessed that I have reached a point in my life where I am truly happy.  I wrongfully thought that when I achieved this level of happiness that I would never again experience boredom or sadness or any other unpleasant emotion again.  I don’t know why I had this unrealistic expectation but I did.  Now that I’ve woken up and realized that life isn’t all about having fun, I’ve learned how to allow myself to feel all my emotions without feeling like a failure.

I tend to procrastinate any assignment that I do not find enjoyable or when I would rather spend my time doing something fun.  I realize now that sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t like in order to see our dreams come true.  I wouldn’t want to procrastinate the fruition of my dreams, so why do I procrastinate the necessary steps to make my dreams come true?

Every moment may not be “Instagram-worthy” but that’s okay!  I still love the life that I get to live and I wouldn’t want to change a single thing about it, even the dull and difficult moments.

Do Soulmates Replace Best Friends?

I never questioned where I stood in my best friend’s life until today.  A simple post helped to make me aware that I am not the most important person in her life – and honestly that stung.  I realize that sounds like a egotistic way of thinking but I remember a time when my best friend was the first person I wanted to tell anything and vice versa.  Now I feel like an afterthought, some would say a third wheel, like the annoying friend you include because you feel obligated.  I guess the weird sense of hurt I feel is due to my constant need to be needed.  I’ve felt that none of my friends need me like they used to and today just kind of confirmed it for me.

Right now I have no interest in a romantic relationship.  And I’m not jealous of my friends that are in them.  But today made me wonder if I’m going to gradually lose all my friends to their relationships.  Is that just the way life goes?  I’ve always heard people say that their spouse is their best friend but I never really thought much about it until now.  So if your spouse is your best friend then where does that leave all those you called best friend before them?  Is it time to accept that what I define as a best friend is no longer acceptable?

Maybe this shows a lack of maturity on my part.  Perhaps best friends are just meant to be place holders until you find your soulmate and I’m simply being replaced.  No one stops to tell me the details of their day anymore.  I’m no longer the assumed plus one, as I was in college.  I’m not the one she shares new dreams and aspirations with.  And gone are the days we spent all day hanging out and had deep conversations that continued long after midnight.  It could simply be that I moved to a new place and haven’t really made new friends yet but I’m really starting to feel like all of my friendships have faded.  And I can’t stand the  thought that this lingering loneliness will continue until I find my soulmate…

Taking The Leap

My healing starts today.  Recently my anxiety has been kicking my butt.  At one point this week I had to walk away from working.  Another morning, I ignored my responsibilities and just didn’t get out of bed.  I’ve been missing deadlines, crying uncontrollably, and suffering in silence – but no more.  I made the decision to say something before it was too late.  I’ve seen first hand how anxiety and depression can consume a person before they take the leap to say something to someone.  I got some good advice – maybe I’ll revamp my methods of self-care and maybe I’ll talk with a professional.  The point is I did something!  I took the leap and battled the anxiety of being vulnerable and telling someone what I have been struggling with.  I wan’t met with judgement but I also wasn’t met with a quick fix and that’s okay.

When my anxiety is running rampant in my mind I feel like no one understands but I now know that I’m not alone.  There’s at least one person in my life that really understands what I’m going through and I would’ve never learned that if I hadn’t allowed myself to be open with them.  I’m pretty sure no one reads these because my posts are just for release but just in case – if anxiety and depression are trying to keep you down, know that you’re not alone.  What you’re experiencing is more common than society makes us think.  Having mental health issues does not make me weak, although I have to remind myself of this every time my anxiety attacks me.  Needing to talk about what I’m going through doesn’t equate to failure.  And I know that as long as I keep fighting some day I will gain control over the management of my mind.