Overwhelmed.  I make list after list of things that I need to do.  I see all of my tasks laid before me.  I spend so much time trying to start each task.  It seems that as soon as I get close to completing something I get bored or overwhelmed and switch to the next task.  Nothing is getting done.  Nothing is complete.  Doing a little on a million tasks but actually getting nothing done.  I don’t know how to get out of this unproductive cycle. I think truthfully it’s my fear of failure holding me back.  Once I finally take all of the steps to fill out an application – I may receive rejection.  Once I find the perfect apartment – my application may be denied.  Once I accept one position – I may find another that’s a better fit.  It’s been so long since I tried something new or done something that truly makes me uncomfortable – but it’s time for me to step out of my comfort zone.

The summer of 2014 when I applied and accepted a position at a random camp it wasn’t until I pulled up for staff training that I realized that was the first time in a long time that I stepped out of my comfort zone.  I went to a new place with new people and I survived.  In fact it was amazing.   In fact that camp and the family it gave me helped me push through the post-grad slump.  So with that in mind, why am I so hesitant to step out of my comfort zone again?

I’m just going to jump in! Just like I did a few years ago. I’m going to jump and let the pieces fall where they may.  I love that as I write things just start to make sense again.  I love to see how I started writing filled with confusion and anxiety and I get to close with motivation and hope.


10 Ways You Are (Unknowingly) Sabotaging Your 20s

Thought Catalog

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1. You don’t take your 20s seriously in an effort to ‘make the most’ of them.

Despite the overwhelmingly popular notion that your 20s should be a throwaway period, statistically and biologically, they are the single most defining decade of your life. People are more commonly postponing marriage and major career moves until their 30s and beyond not to take a period of developmental downtime in their 20s, but to prepare, to lay the foundation on which everything else can build.

According to psychologist Meg Jay, 80% of life’s most defining moments happen by age 35. The first 10 years of your career have an exponential impact on the money you’re going to earn; more than half of Americans are married, living with or dating the person they will marry by 30; the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires for adulthood (so whatever you…

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4 Surprising Upsides To Being Unemployed

A few ways to continue being positive during this season of my life 🙂

Thought Catalog

Step Brothers / Amazon.com.Step Brothers / Amazon.com.

Being unemployed may not afford the security of a steady paycheck or the convenience of endless Seamless but it can provide its own luxuries, e.g. adopting the sleeping pattern of a 13-year-old on summer vacation, binge watching all 1,745 episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and/or reading the entire internet archive of Supernatural fan-fiction.
Beyond those important and tangible perks is an entire set of benefits I never expected when escaping the safe but stifling cocoon of gainful employment. Unemployment and all it entails — getting rejected multiple times a day, moving back in with mom and dad, wondering if it really will get better — isn’t all grande soy chai lattes and OINTB marathons. It’s not always #funemployment and anyone who tells you as much is a rotten liar.
But sometimes? Sometimes there’s an upside to taking a breather, stepping back, and evaluating where…

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Warning: This is a personal post…well all of my post are personal but I’m not expecting anyone to relate to this one.

I should start by saying I love hard.  And by that I simply mean I will give anything and everything I have for those that I love.  I will go without to see someone else succeed and it doesn’t matter how they’ve treated me in the past.  About one and half years ago my friendship with my best friend in the world completely dissolved.  She was more than a friend she was truly my sister.  It helps to know that my former best friend struggles with her mental health and her battle weighed heavily on my heart.  I grew to hate the people and things she hated and I let myself enter a pretty dark place while I struggled to help her.  In hindsight I was not strong enough or properly equipped to provide her the help she needed.  Even with this knowledge I still carry guilt for allowing our friendship to end.

“Maybe if I had looked past the verbal abuse…Maybe if I dropped out of college too and focused on her…Maybe if I had the money to pay for her treatment…maybe then she’d be better and we’d still be the best of friends.”  These are the thoughts that I hear every time I miss having her in my life.  But tonight I got an update on how she is now, almost 2 years without me in her life.  It saddens me to say that she’s worse….it’s like someone hit pause on her life 1.5 years ago and nothing has changed for the better.

I have changed sooooo much!  When she knew me I was a hateful, jealous, and just down right mean person deep down inside.  I had no idea how to really forgive people.  I was extremely naive and close-minded.  Ending our friendship gave me time to focus on becoming the best version of myself.  So my heart breaks to know that she hasn’t changed for the better but this knowledge also provides me with some freedom.

I now know that it wasn’t me.  She’s had many people step up to “fill in” where I left her in her battle.  And so now I can start to overcome my guilt.  Sure by ending our friendship I may have added to her troubles at first but I’ve now learned that I’m no longer a concern in her life.  I know she hasn’t conquered her disorder yet but I do know that she’s overcome the dependence she had on me.  I’m still going to continually pray for her healing & wish her nothing but success, that hasn’t changed.  But my breakthrough is that now I can REALLY tackle my guilt with my fresh perspective.

So What Now?

Recently I had the most amazing conversation with my mom.  For the first time in my life I was reassured by my family that I’m free to do whatever I want with my life.  For some people this way of thinking is automatic but I tend to let the opinions of my loved ones far outweigh my own.  While this conversation was freeing it also filled me with even more woe.  Now I’m trying to figure out what I truly want to accomplish in my lifetime.  My so-called “dream” of being a doctor was mostly fueled by my undying want to relieve my family of all financial troubles.  So now that I’ve been told to focus only on myself and my happiness I have no clue what I want to do.  Sure being a doctor is a pretty sweet gig but I don’t know if it’s worth the headache of fighting to get into medical school and then fighting to get out of it.  Right now my only goal in life is to be happy.  Hmmm….I guess Beyoncé was onto something (and if you don’t get that reference search “Pretty Hurts” immediately).

The Beginning

Gotta start somewhere I guess.  There’s a lot going on with me right now.  For the first time in my 22 years of life I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing next.  Daily I’m fighting to not let my past hold me back but sometimes it feels like I’m losing the battle.  I guess this is what life is like post grad.  I just feel like I’m failing at this whole “being an adult” thing :/