Warning: This is a personal post…well all of my post are personal but I’m not expecting anyone to relate to this one.
I should start by saying I love hard. And by that I simply mean I will give anything and everything I have for those that I love. I will go without to see someone else succeed and it doesn’t matter how they’ve treated me in the past. About one and half years ago my friendship with my best friend in the world completely dissolved. She was more than a friend she was truly my sister. It helps to know that my former best friend struggles with her mental health and her battle weighed heavily on my heart. I grew to hate the people and things she hated and I let myself enter a pretty dark place while I struggled to help her. In hindsight I was not strong enough or properly equipped to provide her the help she needed. Even with this knowledge I still carry guilt for allowing our friendship to end.
“Maybe if I had looked past the verbal abuse…Maybe if I dropped out of college too and focused on her…Maybe if I had the money to pay for her treatment…maybe then she’d be better and we’d still be the best of friends.” These are the thoughts that I hear every time I miss having her in my life. But tonight I got an update on how she is now, almost 2 years without me in her life. It saddens me to say that she’s worse….it’s like someone hit pause on her life 1.5 years ago and nothing has changed for the better.
I have changed sooooo much! When she knew me I was a hateful, jealous, and just down right mean person deep down inside. I had no idea how to really forgive people. I was extremely naive and close-minded. Ending our friendship gave me time to focus on becoming the best version of myself. So my heart breaks to know that she hasn’t changed for the better but this knowledge also provides me with some freedom.
I now know that it wasn’t me. She’s had many people step up to “fill in” where I left her in her battle. And so now I can start to overcome my guilt. Sure by ending our friendship I may have added to her troubles at first but I’ve now learned that I’m no longer a concern in her life. I know she hasn’t conquered her disorder yet but I do know that she’s overcome the dependence she had on me. I’m still going to continually pray for her healing & wish her nothing but success, that hasn’t changed. But my breakthrough is that now I can REALLY tackle my guilt with my fresh perspective.