How do you fix a mess you’ve created? I needed time to myself (or I thought I did) and so I pushed everyone away. I thought that it was for the best. I thought that if I was growing apart from one person then it must be time to let go of all my friends. Why do I suck at friendship? Well even if I am growing apart from one friend the others had no clue why I socially fell off the face of the earth and they were concerned. I didn’t think anyone would notice. And I figured their lives would just go on without skipping a beat. But they noticed and apparently they noticed shortly after I went into seclusion. I thought completely blocking numbers and deleting social apps was the answer but I realize now that it was a bad decision. Not only was it an unhealthy decision but it also made it so that people couldn’t reach me if they needed help with something or in an emergent situation.
I lashed out. I was freaked out by the thought of getting hurt again. And being in such an isolated place I really thought no one noticed and that hurt and so I started growing accustomed to life without my friends. I figured in the long run they’d be better without a dramatic friend that is currently on an emotional roller coaster. I figured I was sparing them from worrying about my well-being and any hurt they might’ve experienced when I failed them. But it looks like I still managed to cause hurt and worry. I don’t know if I should try to fix things or let the friendships end in this messy state.
I completely forgot that although I feel like my friendships are ending maybe other people don’t (even though that’s hard to believe). My therapist is the one who called to my attention how unhealthy my self-isolating behavior is and she wanted me to reflect on my decision. I honestly wasn’t going to reconsider my actions but after I answered a random number that kept calling me I was forced to reflect on the mess I’ve made. The call was coming from one of my friends who figured out her number was blocked. I didn’t have time to think of a lie, I didn’t have time to fake a good mood, I was just speechless. And maybe my friend didn’t really notice. I did try to get off the phone as quickly as possible and when I called her back I worked hard at redirecting the conversation so I didn’t have to keep lying about how I’m doing when asked.
I guess this just shows that I shouldn’t have tried to avoid talking about my struggles because that’s exactly what I’ll have to do if I want to save any of my friendships with those who were worried about me. I feel like I’m always the friend creating drama or apologizing after lashing out at someone or reaching out for help. I didn’t want to be a burden and I didn’t want to be needy. But I also don’t want to hurt people. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of lying about how I feel. And I am getting help, I just need time for things to get better and then (like I planned) I’ll reemerge socially.
I guess what I failed to realize is that although the world did keep spinning (like I knew it would without me present), people did notice that I wasn’t really present.