So last night I made an interesting decision. I came across some old video diaries of mine and it sent me into a time of reflection. I realized that the same things I was trying to work through 5 years ago by making the videos are the same things I’m currently working through in therapy. I realized that no matter how many techniques I learn and how many exercises I complete to confront my trauma of the past I still find myself stuck on one main issue – ending my friendship with my best friend of 7 years who was truly more like my sister. In the fall of 2016 I reached out to her after 3 years without any form of communication and she took her sweet time to respond. But when she did in late January of 2017 we were able to really talk through some things and we even agreed to try out friendship again. She invited me to her baby shower and when I went all I felt was love from her and her family. But then as we had predicted we kind of put catching up on hiatus as she embarked upon the journey of being a first-time mom.
Following the baby shower our communication was pretty good. It wasn’t nearly as constant as it once was but it was reasonable and then kind of randomly in May we stopped talking. Last May I was in regularly scheduled therapy and when the second hiatus of communication lasted until August I kind of felt like it was a sign that my old friend and I would be cordial but never go back to where we once were. Well, as soon as I made that decision in therapy she messaged me. I was so at peace with my decision that I really didn’t know what to do. I was battling with so much already and I just didn’t know if I had it in me to have her back in my life if she still had toxic tendencies. I reached out to other friends that knew how my friendship had been toxic in the past and they know how I struggle with mental health. Just as I suspected my friends were against me rekindling any form of friendship with her (y’all our friendship was REALLY toxic) and they told me that the lull in communication demonstrated how I was once again prioritizing her more than she thought of me.
Back in August I didn’t really trust myself to make any decisions on my own so I took heed to all of the advice I was given. And I just simply never responded to the message. Last night after watching those old videos I missed my friend so much and I decided that no matter what anyone thought I want her back in my life. I feel like I’m in a better place now in regards to my mental health and it’s almost summer so I’ll have a break from school and maybe we can hang out like we used to. It would mean the world to me to have my best friend back in my life and I’m happy to say that I think that really might be happening. I had so much anger in me when our friendship ended and I thought I could never forgive her. I then spiraled into a state of depression and until lately I really didn’t see any hope of ever completely healing from the whole situation. Now I’m hopeful that healing is possible.